We have cats. We currently have two cats, down from one when the smaller one probably sat in the middle of the road one time too many (she had this idea that cars should just drive round here - well, after making this strange hooting sound, most of them slowly inched round her).
Our older cat has just meowed at me. Very loudly and very insistently. She used to be a nice quiet cat, who would come and sit on your knee, demand that you stroked her, or at least stayed there while she took her afternoon 5 hour nap. Then she started to get very vocal. I'm not sure if I can pinpoint it to the time we got the other two, or the time she started to get reduced kidney function. Now she meows a lot. Normally when she knows someone is awake and in the house. Not sure what happens the rest of the time, probably because I am either asleep or out of the house.
She has just insistently come up, stood on my keyboard (beep beep beep beep...) and pushed her head in my face while meowing. Obviously she wants something. Given I've just come in and she's not had anything to eat yet today I correctly assume she wants food. Getting up to get the food bowl immediately rivets her attention on it. When I put it down she stares at me again, as if to say "why has the food not magically appeared yet - get me food now" until I pour her food in.
She will then eat some, and do one of two things, walk away totally (her option just now), or settle down on the router for a bit, then meow at me, and ask for food. At this point I have to take food container, and pretend to pour some more into her already food bowl. If she doesn't think anything has gone in, she will ignore the food there until I put one more piece of dried cat food in. Then repeat from start of paragraph.
I don't understand why she doesn't realise that the food doesn't magically disappear after she has eaten it. I mean - it's still there, if she sniffed it she'd find it, but no, she requires owner to continuously provide new and improved (well, new anyway) cat food on demand.
I think this nicely illustrates the relationship between a cat and his/her owners. Just because we're bigger, stronger, more intelligent, able to deal with long term relationships (well, some of us anyway), it's still the small furry mewing cat that rules the roost.
Thursday 29 May 2008
Wednesday 28 May 2008
Learning about love
If you've read my previous post, you'll probably understand how my views about love have been screwed up from the start.
I can remember being into power-play at an early age, and it certainly gave me some pleasure doing what other people told me. That is probably one of the reasons I didn't do much about the bullying I had at school.
But now I'm married, very happily married in fact, I feel that I need to explore this further.
I have a fantasy, it's been running round my head for a while now. It's about a gentleman's club. I'm sure that most people will be onto this by now. I get brought to the club, and taken downstairs. There I see a large number of other girls, in various clothing, each one of who has a collar on with a tag coming down from it.
My clothes are removed, and a collar is placed round my neck, and soldered together - no way out from here. The tag "unowned" is put on it, and I'm taken to a small cell to sleep. The next day there's a gathering of the gentlemen, and an auction takes place. I'm sold to a very cruel man. A scientist who is trying to make a machine which will force women to get close to an orgasm, but never come. I am used in his various experiments, and each time I climax I get punished.
There are variations on this theme, but the situation is always the same - I become nothing more than an object, to be used as my owner(s) decide. And this excites me. So much so that sometimes when I'm having sex with my husband I use it to get a climax.
I am one of those women who don't get any sensation from intercourse - actually that isn't true. I'm beginning to get some sensation, and very nice it is too, but I don't think I could climax from it alone, unless my husband got the stamina to carry on for a long time. So sex for us is almost separated between me and him. When we have intercourse, it's him who gets the climax, and afterwards, we start with hands, and the we get the vibe and go from there. (If any of you girls out there are running your vibes into the ground, I will give a very hearty thumbs up for the eroscillator. It's mains powered, very quiet (I doubt someone in the hall would be able to hear it through the open door), comes with a number of different heads, and I've had one for about 3 years now, with no problems).
So, as I need clitoral stimulation, fantasy plays a very strong role. The better the fantasy, the more pleasurable the stimulation can be. I sometimes feel a bit bad about not including my husband in these fantasies, but I just can't imagine him doing anything like that - he's too nice a person. There is one that does include him, but it's just a weird one involving alien spaceships (I told you it was weird). I sometimes ask him to talk a fantasy to me, and here the problem that he is nice causes issues. He can't give me the kind of dark stuff which turns me on, (although given he'll probably be reading this I anticipate an attempt in the near future).
Last night we had a conversation about this. How to bring into the relationship some kind of power play that I fantasise about. We decided that it would probably be best to have a scripted scene, so we both know where the boundaries are, and go from there.
In case you're thinking this is one-sided, my husband has his own desires, and I do my best to fulfil them. So far I've not got any complaints (apart from the occasional "We've got to go out now. Rats?"). Besides, I'm not willing to drop bedroom stories which might upset him - this is about my issues.
Reading persephone's obedience, I see that she has found a very rewarding relationship, which gives her exactly what she needs, and I feel so jealous. But I don't want what she needs. I want what I need, and it's working out the areas which I need that is hard. Although I fantasise about a man coming in, shoving me roughly into bed and raping me, while slapping me round the face all the time, I think that in reality that would be a real turn-off.
I think the essence of this is - my attitude to sex is as individual as I am, there are somethings which I fantasise about which I really wouldn't want to happen, I want to have a healthy sex life including some of my fantasys, and me and my husband are starting to work on it, but how it goes in the long run is anyone's guess.
I can remember being into power-play at an early age, and it certainly gave me some pleasure doing what other people told me. That is probably one of the reasons I didn't do much about the bullying I had at school.
But now I'm married, very happily married in fact, I feel that I need to explore this further.
I have a fantasy, it's been running round my head for a while now. It's about a gentleman's club. I'm sure that most people will be onto this by now. I get brought to the club, and taken downstairs. There I see a large number of other girls, in various clothing, each one of who has a collar on with a tag coming down from it.
My clothes are removed, and a collar is placed round my neck, and soldered together - no way out from here. The tag "unowned" is put on it, and I'm taken to a small cell to sleep. The next day there's a gathering of the gentlemen, and an auction takes place. I'm sold to a very cruel man. A scientist who is trying to make a machine which will force women to get close to an orgasm, but never come. I am used in his various experiments, and each time I climax I get punished.
There are variations on this theme, but the situation is always the same - I become nothing more than an object, to be used as my owner(s) decide. And this excites me. So much so that sometimes when I'm having sex with my husband I use it to get a climax.
I am one of those women who don't get any sensation from intercourse - actually that isn't true. I'm beginning to get some sensation, and very nice it is too, but I don't think I could climax from it alone, unless my husband got the stamina to carry on for a long time. So sex for us is almost separated between me and him. When we have intercourse, it's him who gets the climax, and afterwards, we start with hands, and the we get the vibe and go from there. (If any of you girls out there are running your vibes into the ground, I will give a very hearty thumbs up for the eroscillator. It's mains powered, very quiet (I doubt someone in the hall would be able to hear it through the open door), comes with a number of different heads, and I've had one for about 3 years now, with no problems).
So, as I need clitoral stimulation, fantasy plays a very strong role. The better the fantasy, the more pleasurable the stimulation can be. I sometimes feel a bit bad about not including my husband in these fantasies, but I just can't imagine him doing anything like that - he's too nice a person. There is one that does include him, but it's just a weird one involving alien spaceships (I told you it was weird). I sometimes ask him to talk a fantasy to me, and here the problem that he is nice causes issues. He can't give me the kind of dark stuff which turns me on, (although given he'll probably be reading this I anticipate an attempt in the near future).
Last night we had a conversation about this. How to bring into the relationship some kind of power play that I fantasise about. We decided that it would probably be best to have a scripted scene, so we both know where the boundaries are, and go from there.
In case you're thinking this is one-sided, my husband has his own desires, and I do my best to fulfil them. So far I've not got any complaints (apart from the occasional "We've got to go out now. Rats?"). Besides, I'm not willing to drop bedroom stories which might upset him - this is about my issues.
Reading persephone's obedience, I see that she has found a very rewarding relationship, which gives her exactly what she needs, and I feel so jealous. But I don't want what she needs. I want what I need, and it's working out the areas which I need that is hard. Although I fantasise about a man coming in, shoving me roughly into bed and raping me, while slapping me round the face all the time, I think that in reality that would be a real turn-off.
I think the essence of this is - my attitude to sex is as individual as I am, there are somethings which I fantasise about which I really wouldn't want to happen, I want to have a healthy sex life including some of my fantasys, and me and my husband are starting to work on it, but how it goes in the long run is anyone's guess.
Tuesday 27 May 2008
Life's a bitch
I've been thinking whether I should start off talking about love or life. I've decided life.
My life has not been easy. I know many people say that, and there are many who have had a much harder life than I have. I'm not claiming to be the most hard off.
When I looked at my childhood, I couldn't see anything about it that would make it hard. I had loving parents who were still together, two siblings, a grandmother who adored me. I was a high achiever at school. That was the view from the outside.
From the inside it was a totally different matter. When I was about 20 I identified in myself several symptoms of being abused as a child - but I had no memory of it. When I was 33, and met my husband for the second time (I'll have to document that sometime) he agreed.
I had been really badly bullied, so I decided to re-visit my old schools and stick one finger up in the air at them. I started with the house I had grown up in. I walked from there to my infants school, not that far at all. It was then that I had a really weird experience.
I was stood outside the school, with my hands on the railings. I could see the school, and feel the railings, but in my mind it didn't exist. I was staring at something which wasn't actually there. It really felt like my eyes and my hands were lying to me. I think the correct technical term would be disassociation.
I then went round to where my nan lived, not that far from home at all.
I think I need an aside at this point. I was very close to my nan. I had been born about 6 months after her husband died. I was also ill when I was born (I ended up in hospital 3 times before I was 5 - I still hate hospitals). For a period of time I had to be watched almost round the clock, and my nan helped my mum in doing this. I was also the youngest of 3 children, and came along later than anticipated. There is a gap of something like 5 years between me and my sister. This made for some very strained sibling relationships. So I got close to my nan instead. When my mum was working, my nan would take me to, and pick me up from, my infants school.
So I got to my nans house, taking what I thought was a rather strange route, and looked at it. We turned and started again towards the infants school from a different direction.
It was then that I saw the Road. I use capitals to emphasise the feelings I had. I knew that there was something horrific about that road. I can remember my nan having to jolly me along it, pointing out the house where someone had put some porcelain cats on the wall. I know there were other things, but the mists of history have hid them.
I didn't want to go down the Road. I really didn't. It took a huge amount of courage and sheer determination to turn into it. And there, at the end of the road, was my infants school.
In my mind I knew it was there. I suppose I knew all along that that was where the road led, but somehow my mind had hidden this knowledge to keep me safe.
It was then that some of the horror occurred. The rest didn't come out until that evening, when we were discussing it. It was then that my mother said that my headmaster at that school had abused me, and I just fell apart, and this little girl came out and started saying over an over, "I never said anything, I never told anyone".
I'm talking about this rationally at the moment, and I'm not actually feeling the horror (but I've been through some NLP for that), but I have a few memories.
I can see my hand, I know its my hand, but its my hand when I was young, reaching out towards someones penis. The penis is large, and almost purple. I've got this kind of innocence about the image, as though it was something that happened in a dream.
I think I can remember a large belt buckle, possibly with the compass of a member of the Masons, I'm not sure. I remember a while back seeing someone with that on and being unable to draw my eye away from it, as well as being very perturbed by the situation.
I know that he said "You must not tell anyone or they will get angry with you and throw you out."
That has stained my entire life. I can't stay in a room where there are arguments. I can's watch some TV programs because the arguments upset me too much. I am so lucky that both me and my husband don't do arguments. On occasion we do get angry, but it's not that common, and we normally spend some time afterwards discussion the reasons and working out how to avoid them in future.
The one thing which upsets me the most about this now (obviously the NLP did work), is that I have a really bad memory. I mean very bad. I can remember the big stuff, getting married, but the small stuff just disappears into nowhere. I can't remember the day after getting married, for example. I can't remember what happened last year at this time at all.
I am afraid that in order to get my memory back, I'm going to have to face what was done to me, and to allow my adult self to process it, but that's is definitely not something I'm looking forward to.
So, that is one of the reasons that I had a bad childhood. There are others, but almost all of them stem from this abuse. If this hadn't happened to me my life would have been totally different, but I can't live in the what-if. I have to deal with the is-now.
I'm going to stop now. I don't want to put too much in the blog at one time.
My life has not been easy. I know many people say that, and there are many who have had a much harder life than I have. I'm not claiming to be the most hard off.
When I looked at my childhood, I couldn't see anything about it that would make it hard. I had loving parents who were still together, two siblings, a grandmother who adored me. I was a high achiever at school. That was the view from the outside.
From the inside it was a totally different matter. When I was about 20 I identified in myself several symptoms of being abused as a child - but I had no memory of it. When I was 33, and met my husband for the second time (I'll have to document that sometime) he agreed.
I had been really badly bullied, so I decided to re-visit my old schools and stick one finger up in the air at them. I started with the house I had grown up in. I walked from there to my infants school, not that far at all. It was then that I had a really weird experience.
I was stood outside the school, with my hands on the railings. I could see the school, and feel the railings, but in my mind it didn't exist. I was staring at something which wasn't actually there. It really felt like my eyes and my hands were lying to me. I think the correct technical term would be disassociation.
I then went round to where my nan lived, not that far from home at all.
I think I need an aside at this point. I was very close to my nan. I had been born about 6 months after her husband died. I was also ill when I was born (I ended up in hospital 3 times before I was 5 - I still hate hospitals). For a period of time I had to be watched almost round the clock, and my nan helped my mum in doing this. I was also the youngest of 3 children, and came along later than anticipated. There is a gap of something like 5 years between me and my sister. This made for some very strained sibling relationships. So I got close to my nan instead. When my mum was working, my nan would take me to, and pick me up from, my infants school.
So I got to my nans house, taking what I thought was a rather strange route, and looked at it. We turned and started again towards the infants school from a different direction.
It was then that I saw the Road. I use capitals to emphasise the feelings I had. I knew that there was something horrific about that road. I can remember my nan having to jolly me along it, pointing out the house where someone had put some porcelain cats on the wall. I know there were other things, but the mists of history have hid them.
I didn't want to go down the Road. I really didn't. It took a huge amount of courage and sheer determination to turn into it. And there, at the end of the road, was my infants school.
In my mind I knew it was there. I suppose I knew all along that that was where the road led, but somehow my mind had hidden this knowledge to keep me safe.
It was then that some of the horror occurred. The rest didn't come out until that evening, when we were discussing it. It was then that my mother said that my headmaster at that school had abused me, and I just fell apart, and this little girl came out and started saying over an over, "I never said anything, I never told anyone".
I'm talking about this rationally at the moment, and I'm not actually feeling the horror (but I've been through some NLP for that), but I have a few memories.
I can see my hand, I know its my hand, but its my hand when I was young, reaching out towards someones penis. The penis is large, and almost purple. I've got this kind of innocence about the image, as though it was something that happened in a dream.
I think I can remember a large belt buckle, possibly with the compass of a member of the Masons, I'm not sure. I remember a while back seeing someone with that on and being unable to draw my eye away from it, as well as being very perturbed by the situation.
I know that he said "You must not tell anyone or they will get angry with you and throw you out."
That has stained my entire life. I can't stay in a room where there are arguments. I can's watch some TV programs because the arguments upset me too much. I am so lucky that both me and my husband don't do arguments. On occasion we do get angry, but it's not that common, and we normally spend some time afterwards discussion the reasons and working out how to avoid them in future.
The one thing which upsets me the most about this now (obviously the NLP did work), is that I have a really bad memory. I mean very bad. I can remember the big stuff, getting married, but the small stuff just disappears into nowhere. I can't remember the day after getting married, for example. I can't remember what happened last year at this time at all.
I am afraid that in order to get my memory back, I'm going to have to face what was done to me, and to allow my adult self to process it, but that's is definitely not something I'm looking forward to.
So, that is one of the reasons that I had a bad childhood. There are others, but almost all of them stem from this abuse. If this hadn't happened to me my life would have been totally different, but I can't live in the what-if. I have to deal with the is-now.
I'm going to stop now. I don't want to put too much in the blog at one time.
Monday 26 May 2008
New beginnigs
I find it difficult to blog. For one part I'm not willing to open my life up to that kind of scrutiny, I've been really hurt in the past. Also, I'm still learning how to be a human being. My interactions with others is very hard also due to my past.
And I'm learning to love - or rather how I need to be loved. I have a very loving husband, but I'm still scared of opening up parts of me to him, and I don't want to be that way.
I have been reading persphone's obedience, and I feel that some of what she has been so lucky to find is what I want. I want to be in a loving and save relationship with someone who will not only love me, but also treat me more as a pet, as someone who is owned, someone who is not in control.
My past is full of darkness and pain. I've been badly bullied, and sexually mistreated, and it is possible that in those experiences make me want to find someone who will love me, and I can love (I am so lucky to have found my husband). But I also have to learn to interact with others, and not assume they are out to get me.
I'm also mentally ill. Don't get scared by that. I am what is termed Bi-Polar (or Manic Depressed). There are times when I am very depressed, and not totally in control of my actions, or manic, and definiately not in control of my actions. I've had this illness since childhood, and it's coloured my entire life, but it wasn't until about 6 years ago that I was diagnosed. Since then the meds have kept me mostly sane, and hopefully they will continue to.
So, I want to have a place where most people don't know me, so I can start to be myself and see how people respond. I want to explore my sexuality in a fairly safe place. I want to see if I can be human.
I would welcome any comments on my posts.
And I'm learning to love - or rather how I need to be loved. I have a very loving husband, but I'm still scared of opening up parts of me to him, and I don't want to be that way.
I have been reading persphone's obedience, and I feel that some of what she has been so lucky to find is what I want. I want to be in a loving and save relationship with someone who will not only love me, but also treat me more as a pet, as someone who is owned, someone who is not in control.
My past is full of darkness and pain. I've been badly bullied, and sexually mistreated, and it is possible that in those experiences make me want to find someone who will love me, and I can love (I am so lucky to have found my husband). But I also have to learn to interact with others, and not assume they are out to get me.
I'm also mentally ill. Don't get scared by that. I am what is termed Bi-Polar (or Manic Depressed). There are times when I am very depressed, and not totally in control of my actions, or manic, and definiately not in control of my actions. I've had this illness since childhood, and it's coloured my entire life, but it wasn't until about 6 years ago that I was diagnosed. Since then the meds have kept me mostly sane, and hopefully they will continue to.
So, I want to have a place where most people don't know me, so I can start to be myself and see how people respond. I want to explore my sexuality in a fairly safe place. I want to see if I can be human.
I would welcome any comments on my posts.
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