Learning about love

If you've read my previous post, you'll probably understand how my views about love have been screwed up from the start.

I can remember being into power-play at an early age, and it certainly gave me some pleasure doing what other people told me. That is probably one of the reasons I didn't do much about the bullying I had at school.

But now I'm married, very happily married in fact, I feel that I need to explore this further.

I have a fantasy, it's been running round my head for a while now. It's about a gentleman's club. I'm sure that most people will be onto this by now. I get brought to the club, and taken downstairs. There I see a large number of other girls, in various clothing, each one of who has a collar on with a tag coming down from it.

My clothes are removed, and a collar is placed round my neck, and soldered together - no way out from here. The tag "unowned" is put on it, and I'm taken to a small cell to sleep. The next day there's a gathering of the gentlemen, and an auction takes place. I'm sold to a very cruel man. A scientist who is trying to make a machine which will force women to get close to an orgasm, but never come. I am used in his various experiments, and each time I climax I get punished.

There are variations on this theme, but the situation is always the same - I become nothing more than an object, to be used as my owner(s) decide. And this excites me. So much so that sometimes when I'm having sex with my husband I use it to get a climax.

I am one of those women who don't get any sensation from intercourse - actually that isn't true. I'm beginning to get some sensation, and very nice it is too, but I don't think I could climax from it alone, unless my husband got the stamina to carry on for a long time. So sex for us is almost separated between me and him. When we have intercourse, it's him who gets the climax, and afterwards, we start with hands, and the we get the vibe and go from there. (If any of you girls out there are running your vibes into the ground, I will give a very hearty thumbs up for the eroscillator. It's mains powered, very quiet (I doubt someone in the hall would be able to hear it through the open door), comes with a number of different heads, and I've had one for about 3 years now, with no problems).

So, as I need clitoral stimulation, fantasy plays a very strong role. The better the fantasy, the more pleasurable the stimulation can be. I sometimes feel a bit bad about not including my husband in these fantasies, but I just can't imagine him doing anything like that - he's too nice a person. There is one that does include him, but it's just a weird one involving alien spaceships (I told you it was weird). I sometimes ask him to talk a fantasy to me, and here the problem that he is nice causes issues. He can't give me the kind of dark stuff which turns me on, (although given he'll probably be reading this I anticipate an attempt in the near future).

Last night we had a conversation about this. How to bring into the relationship some kind of power play that I fantasise about. We decided that it would probably be best to have a scripted scene, so we both know where the boundaries are, and go from there.

In case you're thinking this is one-sided, my husband has his own desires, and I do my best to fulfil them. So far I've not got any complaints (apart from the occasional "We've got to go out now. Rats?"). Besides, I'm not willing to drop bedroom stories which might upset him - this is about my issues.

Reading persephone's obedience, I see that she has found a very rewarding relationship, which gives her exactly what she needs, and I feel so jealous. But I don't want what she needs. I want what I need, and it's working out the areas which I need that is hard. Although I fantasise about a man coming in, shoving me roughly into bed and raping me, while slapping me round the face all the time, I think that in reality that would be a real turn-off.

I think the essence of this is - my attitude to sex is as individual as I am, there are somethings which I fantasise about which I really wouldn't want to happen, I want to have a healthy sex life including some of my fantasys, and me and my husband are starting to work on it, but how it goes in the long run is anyone's guess.