New beginnigs

I find it difficult to blog. For one part I'm not willing to open my life up to that kind of scrutiny, I've been really hurt in the past. Also, I'm still learning how to be a human being. My interactions with others is very hard also due to my past.

And I'm learning to love - or rather how I need to be loved. I have a very loving husband, but I'm still scared of opening up parts of me to him, and I don't want to be that way.

I have been reading persphone's obedience, and I feel that some of what she has been so lucky to find is what I want. I want to be in a loving and save relationship with someone who will not only love me, but also treat me more as a pet, as someone who is owned, someone who is not in control.

My past is full of darkness and pain. I've been badly bullied, and sexually mistreated, and it is possible that in those experiences make me want to find someone who will love me, and I can love (I am so lucky to have found my husband). But I also have to learn to interact with others, and not assume they are out to get me.

I'm also mentally ill. Don't get scared by that. I am what is termed Bi-Polar (or Manic Depressed). There are times when I am very depressed, and not totally in control of my actions, or manic, and definiately not in control of my actions. I've had this illness since childhood, and it's coloured my entire life, but it wasn't until about 6 years ago that I was diagnosed. Since then the meds have kept me mostly sane, and hopefully they will continue to.

So, I want to have a place where most people don't know me, so I can start to be myself and see how people respond. I want to explore my sexuality in a fairly safe place. I want to see if I can be human.

I would welcome any comments on my posts.